I Can Learn To Love You
by Eruaphadriel
Summary: A Slytherin and a Gryffindor. Life and Death. Acceptance and Denial. Katie Bell mourns as she retells her life after the battle between Harry and Voldemort. Only one question remains...can she love again? PostWar One Shot


This is just a one shot that I was asked to write for a friend. I had writers block on WHYB so I figured I'd use this oneshot as a muse igniter. It worked! Yay! Anyway I apologize if this is a little strange, but I was in a very weird artsy mood. Love to you all.

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**I Can Learn To Love You**

"I can learn to love you." He said to me the moment we stepped over the threshold and into our new home.

It wasn't surprising that it came out cold and distant, but these days everything around me seemed cold and distant. It was normal to feel the icy hands of isolation wrap around me. I had lost everything within the last few moments of the war. Not only did we watch the fall of the two greatest wizards of all time, but we had watched friends and enemies fall for a pointless cause. The Boy Who Lived died the night he killed He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He had managed to forge his own wand with that of the Dark Lords, but once the curse killed his enemy he was dead as well. The papers said it was the blood bond that had tied them to each other. It was the bond that had killed them, and it was that minor fact that everyone had overlooked. Innocent lives could have been spared that day. If they had known both Harry and Voldemort would die regardless of who killed who then Lee would still be alive. My heart ached just thinking about it.

My virgin blue eyes had barely been in the Order for three months before the final attack happened. I had stood boldly beside my four best friends and my lover. He promised me that everything would be fine, and just like I had believed him in Hogwarts, I smiled. I didn't even say a comforting word back. All I did was offer this pathetic smile, and that was the last memory he probably had of me. Nights were always the worst when I thought of this moment. The life leaving the eyes of the wizard I loved always brought me to a place I hated, and yet I couldn't escape it.

"I can't" Was all I could get out of my excessively dry mouth.

There was a horrid scuffle between both sides that night. Dozens of Death Eaters had arrived from places the Order didn't even know existed. There were Giants, and Vampires fighting for both sides, and Lupin had managed to convince a handful of Werewolves to side with the Order. It didn't help much. I had barely fought off my first Death Eater before I heard the agonizing scream come from Alicia's mouth. Distracted by the tormented voice of my friend I had turned just in time to watch Angelina get attacked by one of the vampire's. Her pleading yells for someone to kill her caused me to vomit right on the spot, but before I could do anything to help my friend I was coaxed back into fighting by Charlie Weasley. There was nothing I could have done for Angelina. It had happened so quickly that even Fred had failed to save her. Fred. How devastated Fred had grown after her death. Even after the funeral we had tried to bring him back to some form of life. Three days after the funeral Fred had left a note for George that he was leaving for a muggle town somewhere in the States. That was the last anyone had heard from Fred Weasley.

"I'll be in the bedroom." His voice caused me to wince, and I merely nodded.

If only we had fled to some other country. If only I hadn't been there. I was the reason he was dead. The battle waged on despite the numerous casualties, but we couldn't stop. Not when we were so close to driving out the Death Eaters. Then he attacked me. Miles Bletchley blindsided me and knocked me to the ground. My wand had been thrown from my hand and the wizard showed no sign of pity. Instead he had dug the tip of his wand deep into the side of my neck. I still have the scar. It happened so suddenly that I wasn't even sure why he was falling on top of me. When I pushed his limp body off I saw Lee standing there with a puzzled expression on his face. "_I killed him." _He had stammered, but it was the last thing ever muttered from those precious lips. There was a fierce scream from Daphne Greengrass as she cast the killing curse upon him. He looked at me right before he died. Right before he fell face down into the muddy bloody earth.

His funeral had been after Angelina's. The only people that had survived the battle filled less than twelve seats. A blood bath. That's what the Prophet had called it the following day. I was numb in my seat. Angelina and Lee had left me. Fred had left me. Alicia and George, after a few nights of comforting meaningless shags, had left me. They both decided to find solace without each other. The memory of the happy group we once had been was gone. Death was more than just bodies strewn across the battlefield. My life had become a harbor for death.

"Wait." I hadn't spoken more than two words to him since we arrived at the new manor. Our new manor.

It had only taken a month for it to happen. It was evident, and most people in the wizarding world new that it would. Security. All anyone could think about was the security of the bloodlines, and the preservation of magic. There was no decree that was written. The day that the Ministry called for a reassessment of family bloodlines proved to be the day that I felt myself give up on what little hope I had left. According to the records of family history there would be mergers going on between fertile witches and young wizards. It was like we had all suddenly become some sort of paperwork at Gringotts. I didn't want a merger. I wanted to crawl into my bed and cry for the things I had lost. I wanted to cry for Lee.

"_Alicia Spinnet will be handed to Cassius Warrington." _

They claimed they plotted out the ties based on the furthest connection of marriages in the pureblood lines. I secretly envied Alicia for running when she did. When she didn't show for her 'merger' with Warrington he was forced to take Eloise Midgen. The poor girl looked like she was about to die on the spot. I didn't blame her. Though I did overhear Warrington say something to James Bole about finding Alicia.

"_Parvati Patil and Ronald Weasley." _

I had felt my heart drop when Ron merely held out his hand and accepted the decision. Ever since Hermione Granger had gone down with Harry he had been a walking zombie. I knew the feeling.

Names were listed off without so much as a word of support. The Ministry claimed that it was the beginning to new times in the Wizarding World. I believed it was only the beginning of destruction.

My name had been one of the last ones read off that list. I had barely recognized the syllables until I felt Cho Chang push me forward towards the booth. I hadn't even registered the name of the wizard I would be forced to spend my life with. He wasn't Lee. He couldn't make me laugh like Lee had. He didn't have the same sparkle of life in his eyes that Lee once had. He wasn't my lover. No one could replace the hole in my heart.

And yet he had held my hand when we walked towards the front of the massive crowd. He told me it was ok to cry for what happened. He whispered that everything would be fine. There was a sense of sincerity in his voice, and I wasn't sure if it was really there or if I had just been imagining it. Perhaps I had just been pining for some sort of comfort regardless of where it actually came from, or if in fact it even existed.

We were married that day.

I cried.

He said nothing.

My parents would have been pleased to see me marry someone in my 'class'. To them it didn't matter who the bloke was as long as he had sturdy genes. Unfortunately they hadn't made it through the war either. Had anyone really made it? Had I even made it? I certainly didn't feel very much alive.

"You coming?" His voice cracked again into my skull, and I began shuffling towards the bedroom door. Our bedroom door. The door that I'd be sleeping behind for the rest of my life.

I wondered where Alicia was.

I wondered where George was.

I wondered for a moment what had happened to that simple life I had promised myself I would make with Lee. Wherever it was it was probably laughing at me. Mocking me for making such a silly dream. But I had loved Lee, and he had loved me. He had comforted me when I needed it the most. He had held my hand when I was frightened, and been there when I let myself cry like some silly school girl. Could I ever have that feeling again? Was it possible to even develop any sort of feeling for someone who I had loathed practically my entire life?

The room was cold. Like death. The familiar feeling I had grown so accustomed to.

He was sitting there motionless on the edge of the bed. I knew it was late, but yet I had no urge to go to sleep. I was already in eternal sleep. I, much like Ron, was a sodding walking zombie. He must have noticed that because he rose from the bed and grabbed my shoulders delicately. I could have protested as he started changing me, but the feel of someone else's flesh against my own sparked a piece of life back into me. It's funny how quickly you forget what it's like to be touched by someone. For a moment I felt like things were normal again, and I half expected to turn around to be looking into Lee's deep brown eyes. The eyes I found were dark green.

"You should get some sleep." He had somehow managed to get me into an old baggy tee-shirt that I assumed was his. I didn't even care that I was only wearing underwear beneath it. Something about being there beside him reassured me that I was indeed alive. And I was suddenly ok with that.

On my back I stared at the plain white ceiling of the bedroom. Blank. A fresh coat of paint had just been applied, and whatever had been beneath it was gone. A fresh start. His hand brushed against my thigh and I closed my eyes. Why did everyone leave me? What had I done to loose everything that I cared for? Was I destined to be this lonely hollow figure staring at the blank ceiling for the rest of my life?

"I can learn to love you, too." I didn't even know where the words had come from. Somewhere I felt the rise of bile in my throat but I quickly swallowed it. Tears had formed in the corners of my eyes and I did my best to wipe them away before he turned to look at me. I didn't mean it. He probably knew it. The look in his face read a thousand words, each one of them accusing me of lying. He didn't call me out on it. Instead he just leaned over and lightly grazed his lips against my own. The tears fell faster, and my heart sunk deeper. I just wanted love. I just needed comfort. I just needed to get away from the death that plagued me night after night.

"Goodnight Katie." He turned his back on me, and the brush of life he had ignited in me disappeared again.

I'd be forever bound to him. I'd play the quiet wife, and he the overbearing husband. I hated the idea. I hated every second of it. But I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't be alone. "Goodnight Marcus." I cried for a lot of things that night before I fell asleep. I cried for Alicia and George. Angelina and Fred. I cried for Lee and all we lost. I cried for death, and all that it had taken from me.

Most of all I cried for myself.


End file.
